Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
