we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
