My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
