Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
