Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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