I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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