why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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