i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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