So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
