I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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