Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
