I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
