Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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