I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
