I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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