I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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