dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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