we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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