How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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