I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
