How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
