I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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