So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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