shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
