saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
