guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
