I wish my penis had an off switch
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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