If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
