if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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