i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
