How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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