When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
