dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
