I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
