Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It all started with a game of naked twister.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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