went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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