I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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