I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
