I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
