the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
