Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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