i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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