areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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