I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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