last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
foreskin is a definite game changer
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize