Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
3 2 1 whiskey
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
