I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
