He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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