Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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