I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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