I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
