is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
