she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
