Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
