You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize