OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I will be naked everywhere
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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