can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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