I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
