i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
