Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
